Hi Mr. Blog,
I should just stay on your couch
instead of coming and going all day.
I wish.
But, I had a very disturbing incident last week.
I went out to Target to buy some white socks that
I had seen advertised.
Six pairs for $4.99.
Every other year
I buy three six packs of new white socks.
I don't believe in sorting socks
do you?
So I get to Target and guess what?
The socks on sale were so ugly
you couldn't PAY ME to wear them
for any amount of money.
I have some pride.
Not a lot
but if I have to go to the ER
for some reason
you can bet
I won't be wearing white socks
with gray toes and heels!
I ended up paying a fortune
for Hanes white socks
and I was still unhappy.
I feel ridiculous
having pink toes and heels.
Apparently
they quit making plain white socks
for ladies.
As if that wasn't bad enough,
I go to pick up a new travel
alarm clock
and they were all digital!
There is nothing under the sun uglier
than a digital clock.
I remember when they came out in the late
sixties and you could
hear the clunking sound as
the numbers turned over.
They were ugly then
and they are ugly now.
I took one of my expanded surveys
which of course included the sales clerk,
my sister and Brenny,
and it turns out that
all women think
digital clocks
are ugly!
Imagine how rich the person
will be that designs
attractive analogue
travel alarm clocks.
Same thing for panties.
All women born after 1954
like bikini panties.
Not those ridiculous
French-cut panties
or worse,
but good old
bikini panties.
Any woman baby boomer
will tell you
that the only comfortable
panties on earth
are Jockey for Her panties,
but they are ugly as sin.
Black, white, gray, pastels.
Ugh.
If Jockey ever made a series
with small print flowers,
the CEO
could buy
a brand new
Lear Jet.
Monday, January 24, 2011
1/24/2011 I Never Heard the Pitter-Patter of Little Footsteps
Good Morning Mr. Blog!
When sissy came over to watch a movie the other day
it reminded me of one
time when she came for lunch
years ago.
Troy was six and Teddy was four
and they were racing around the house
and she looked at me and said,
"You never did get to hear the
pitter-patter of little footsteps did you?"
It was then
that I realized I never had
and probably never will.
More like a herd of elephants.
They are so huge now
that if they start to rough house,
the walls shake.
I guess if your kids are born at nearly
ten pounds each
that pitter-patter is
out of the question.
When sissy came over to watch a movie the other day
it reminded me of one
time when she came for lunch
years ago.
Troy was six and Teddy was four
and they were racing around the house
and she looked at me and said,
"You never did get to hear the
pitter-patter of little footsteps did you?"
It was then
that I realized I never had
and probably never will.
More like a herd of elephants.
They are so huge now
that if they start to rough house,
the walls shake.
I guess if your kids are born at nearly
ten pounds each
that pitter-patter is
out of the question.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
1/22/2011 Difficult Lima Bean and Ham Hock Soup
Hi Mr. Blog,
Well here's a recipe that will confound your wife.
I'm calling it Difficult Lima Bean and Ham Hock Soup
and I'll read it to you:
1 Go to Safeway and stare and the ten kinds of
dry beans in total confusion
2 Notice that large Lima beans are the only beans
NOT on sale
3 Go home and find what's left of your ham hock
from your split pea soup adventure and examine it
for meat
4 Remove your federal taxes receipts from your Tupperware
bowl and rinse it out for your Lima beans
5 Cover with lots of water and go to bed
6 Get up way too early for Toady's basketball game
and boil the tar out of your ham hock
7 Flip in into a giant strainer in the sink
8 Frantically scrub the burnt spot from the ham hock pan
while Teddy paces around the kitchen telling your to hurry up
9 Fling the Lima beans into the pot and hope you got all the SOS pad
residuals out of it or that no one can taste it if you didn't
10 Put the beans on low heat and run to the mini-van
11 Watch with great pride as your mini-me plays basketball
12 Think about how it seems like a minute ago that the team
was in third grade and how proud you are to know them
13 Enjoy socializing with the parents and think how
lucky you are to know such nice people
14 Try to be quiet driving home because Toady's team lost
and he is sad
15 Analyze how men take sports so personally and wonder why that is
16 Get home and try to hurry the Limas only to have it boil over
so you have to spend a half hour cleaning the mess
17 Feel thankful for having chronic sinusitis since you
manage to burn everything under the sun and your kitchen stinks
18 Pick the meat of the ham hock and toss it in soup add salt and pepper
19 Bring soup to a boil stirring and staring at it carefully
20 Lower the heat and take a nap so you're ready
to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with sissy later
and have some difficult Lima Bean Soup
Well here's a recipe that will confound your wife.
I'm calling it Difficult Lima Bean and Ham Hock Soup
and I'll read it to you:
1 Go to Safeway and stare and the ten kinds of
dry beans in total confusion
2 Notice that large Lima beans are the only beans
NOT on sale
3 Go home and find what's left of your ham hock
from your split pea soup adventure and examine it
for meat
4 Remove your federal taxes receipts from your Tupperware
bowl and rinse it out for your Lima beans
5 Cover with lots of water and go to bed
6 Get up way too early for Toady's basketball game
and boil the tar out of your ham hock
7 Flip in into a giant strainer in the sink
8 Frantically scrub the burnt spot from the ham hock pan
while Teddy paces around the kitchen telling your to hurry up
9 Fling the Lima beans into the pot and hope you got all the SOS pad
residuals out of it or that no one can taste it if you didn't
10 Put the beans on low heat and run to the mini-van
11 Watch with great pride as your mini-me plays basketball
12 Think about how it seems like a minute ago that the team
was in third grade and how proud you are to know them
13 Enjoy socializing with the parents and think how
lucky you are to know such nice people
14 Try to be quiet driving home because Toady's team lost
and he is sad
15 Analyze how men take sports so personally and wonder why that is
16 Get home and try to hurry the Limas only to have it boil over
so you have to spend a half hour cleaning the mess
17 Feel thankful for having chronic sinusitis since you
manage to burn everything under the sun and your kitchen stinks
18 Pick the meat of the ham hock and toss it in soup add salt and pepper
19 Bring soup to a boil stirring and staring at it carefully
20 Lower the heat and take a nap so you're ready
to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with sissy later
and have some difficult Lima Bean Soup
Friday, January 21, 2011
1/21/2010 Terry STILL Doesn't Know Where the Dishes Go?!
Good Morning Mr. Blog,
I finally feel better!
I had an apple for dinner last night
while watching Terry gorge himself
on toasted tomato and cheese sandwiches
and I woke up without a sore throat and headache
and felt like my old cheery self.
It's true!
An apple a day DOES keep the doctor away.
When I went to get coffee,
I couldn't find my favorite Starbucks cup
for ten minutes.
You'll never guess where it was!
On the top shelf where I put the summer
Kool Aid pitcher!
I can't even get things down from there
without climbing up on a chair
or using Lyle's old grabber contraption.
I have to stand tip-toed just to shove stuff on
the edge and then hope they don't fall on my head
when I open the cupboard.
So, there was my coffee cup and I used a ladle
to work it off edge and then caught it as it fell
because I wasn't awake enough
to be climbing on chairs OR working grab-it contraptions.
I got my cup and went to sit down
and I'm not clear what happened next,
but I was being scalded through my
Big Dog jammies and the table and lamp were upside-down
and my cup was empty.
I had to call Brenny to discuss it.
After that I realized that we have lived in the same
house for over twenty years and
Terry still doesn't know where the dishes go!
How can that be Mr. Blog?!
He has been eating.
I know that because like Brian Haley
pointed out years ago,
he is a Pop Tart over two hundred and fifty pounds.
So that means he has been using the dishes
and I've seen him unload the dishwasher.
Well, I haven't actually seen him, but I know he does.
I play possum until he leaves for work
since I'm too grouchy before coffee to
listen to his never-ending post office stories and
when I get up the dishes have been put away.
But God knows where!
On a hunch,
I decided to expand this theory of mine
that he can put things where they don't belong
and guess what?
There were my missing socks!
I think they had been in Teddy's drawer this whole time.
Terry, bless his heart, tried to help
put laundry away
and put most of my socks in Teddy's dresser.
So then I checked Troy's dresser and found the
rest of my socks.
Mystery solved.
I finally feel better!
I had an apple for dinner last night
while watching Terry gorge himself
on toasted tomato and cheese sandwiches
and I woke up without a sore throat and headache
and felt like my old cheery self.
It's true!
An apple a day DOES keep the doctor away.
When I went to get coffee,
I couldn't find my favorite Starbucks cup
for ten minutes.
You'll never guess where it was!
On the top shelf where I put the summer
Kool Aid pitcher!
I can't even get things down from there
without climbing up on a chair
or using Lyle's old grabber contraption.
I have to stand tip-toed just to shove stuff on
the edge and then hope they don't fall on my head
when I open the cupboard.
So, there was my coffee cup and I used a ladle
to work it off edge and then caught it as it fell
because I wasn't awake enough
to be climbing on chairs OR working grab-it contraptions.
I got my cup and went to sit down
and I'm not clear what happened next,
but I was being scalded through my
Big Dog jammies and the table and lamp were upside-down
and my cup was empty.
I had to call Brenny to discuss it.
After that I realized that we have lived in the same
house for over twenty years and
Terry still doesn't know where the dishes go!
How can that be Mr. Blog?!
He has been eating.
I know that because like Brian Haley
pointed out years ago,
he is a Pop Tart over two hundred and fifty pounds.
So that means he has been using the dishes
and I've seen him unload the dishwasher.
Well, I haven't actually seen him, but I know he does.
I play possum until he leaves for work
since I'm too grouchy before coffee to
listen to his never-ending post office stories and
when I get up the dishes have been put away.
But God knows where!
On a hunch,
I decided to expand this theory of mine
that he can put things where they don't belong
and guess what?
There were my missing socks!
I think they had been in Teddy's drawer this whole time.
Terry, bless his heart, tried to help
put laundry away
and put most of my socks in Teddy's dresser.
So then I checked Troy's dresser and found the
rest of my socks.
Mystery solved.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
1/19/2010 What Doctor Sally Said
Hi Mr. Blog.
I went up to see Doctor Sally in Bothell
this morning for seasickness medicine.
She was my doctor in 1980 when I first moved to
Bothell and she is like the nicest doctor in
the world.
I've been so tired since Teddy showed up that
I always go to the Kenmore Medical clinic,
but I like a woman doctor and Doctor Mickelbrink
moved to Oregon!
Anyway I wanted to get her opinion on this cruise ship
job because I am wracked with guilt over
leaving my family and do you know what she said?
"I think it is a great idea for two reasons.
One, you are role modeling to your kids that in
this economy, everyone has to do what they
can to get by. And two, think of how much they
will appreciate everything that you do
after five months. I think it is fantastic
and a wonderful thing for you to do!"
So then I felt nothing but relief Mr. Blog.
I have been having an internal war for months
about this. I feel selfish that I am determined to
use my expensive college degree for a good job.
Not just get a job at Mac Donald's
after I killed myself working at
Springtime Daycare all day and going to
night school all night at the UW for ten years.
It was hard changing diapers and
cranking out Teddy for Troy to play with.
Someday I'll get my own classroom
and can afford life again
but this isn't the day.
Ciao!
I went up to see Doctor Sally in Bothell
this morning for seasickness medicine.
She was my doctor in 1980 when I first moved to
Bothell and she is like the nicest doctor in
the world.
I've been so tired since Teddy showed up that
I always go to the Kenmore Medical clinic,
but I like a woman doctor and Doctor Mickelbrink
moved to Oregon!
Anyway I wanted to get her opinion on this cruise ship
job because I am wracked with guilt over
leaving my family and do you know what she said?
"I think it is a great idea for two reasons.
One, you are role modeling to your kids that in
this economy, everyone has to do what they
can to get by. And two, think of how much they
will appreciate everything that you do
after five months. I think it is fantastic
and a wonderful thing for you to do!"
So then I felt nothing but relief Mr. Blog.
I have been having an internal war for months
about this. I feel selfish that I am determined to
use my expensive college degree for a good job.
Not just get a job at Mac Donald's
after I killed myself working at
Springtime Daycare all day and going to
night school all night at the UW for ten years.
It was hard changing diapers and
cranking out Teddy for Troy to play with.
Someday I'll get my own classroom
and can afford life again
but this isn't the day.
Ciao!
1/9/2010 Lazy Girl Split Pea Soup
Hi Mr. Blog,
How are you?
I'm starting to perk up a bit but it is slow.
I brought you a recipe for split pea soup for your wife.
I'll read it to you:
1 Go to Safeway and pray split peas are on sale
2 Wish you could afford Kool Aid packets
for the kids but you can't so you keep walking
3 Go home and cut the small bag of peas open and pour in a pot of water
4 Wonder if you'll get a horrible illness because you didn't
rinse them off but figure you won't since you haven't
in fifty-four years
5 Start the pot to boil and set the timer so you don't burn it
then turn it off until tomorrow when you aren't so tired
6 Dig through your freezer until you find your
Christmas ham hock
7 Throw that in a really big pot to boil to loosen the meat
8 Put the ham pot with loose meat in the fridge until the next day to cool off
9 Take the ham pot out of the fridge the next day
and warm it up so your hands don't get cold.
10 Cut the chunks of meat off and toss them in
what you hope turned into pea soup
11 Wonder how many ham hocks your mom cooked in her
lifetime and wish she hadn't died so you
could take her some soup later
12 Put in as much ham as you can before the pots spills over
13 Wonder if your sons eat enough soup that they
would consider careers in landscaping since they'll
be very strong and you hate yard work
14 Wonder if it is ham that Jewish people don't eat
and try to think of how you could ask that question
tactfully to a Jewish person
15 Add some salt and pepper and a bit of butter
and turn down to low so you can take a nap without the
house burning down
How are you?
I'm starting to perk up a bit but it is slow.
I brought you a recipe for split pea soup for your wife.
I'll read it to you:
1 Go to Safeway and pray split peas are on sale
2 Wish you could afford Kool Aid packets
for the kids but you can't so you keep walking
3 Go home and cut the small bag of peas open and pour in a pot of water
4 Wonder if you'll get a horrible illness because you didn't
rinse them off but figure you won't since you haven't
in fifty-four years
5 Start the pot to boil and set the timer so you don't burn it
then turn it off until tomorrow when you aren't so tired
6 Dig through your freezer until you find your
Christmas ham hock
7 Throw that in a really big pot to boil to loosen the meat
8 Put the ham pot with loose meat in the fridge until the next day to cool off
9 Take the ham pot out of the fridge the next day
and warm it up so your hands don't get cold.
10 Cut the chunks of meat off and toss them in
what you hope turned into pea soup
11 Wonder how many ham hocks your mom cooked in her
lifetime and wish she hadn't died so you
could take her some soup later
12 Put in as much ham as you can before the pots spills over
13 Wonder if your sons eat enough soup that they
would consider careers in landscaping since they'll
be very strong and you hate yard work
14 Wonder if it is ham that Jewish people don't eat
and try to think of how you could ask that question
tactfully to a Jewish person
15 Add some salt and pepper and a bit of butter
and turn down to low so you can take a nap without the
house burning down
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